put your dick in someone’s ass, but don’t fuck it
it’s a metaphor, see: you put the sperming thing right between your cheeks, but you don’t give it the power to do its sperming
okay so the other day i was walking downtown with my friend and a guy came up and asked for 50 cents to get a bus ticket. I said sure and started looking through my bag for my wallet and he just kept asking even though i had said yes, bartering with something in his hand.
"i just need 50 cents. for a ticket. just 50 cents for a tic-here. i’ll sell you this for it. its my good luck charm. i’ll sell it to you for fifty cents!"
"dude its fine i got you covered you don’t gotta do that"
"no, I want to. im selling this to you. its lucky."
"im just trying to find quarters man no biggie!"
"i am selling you this. i want you to have it. it means a lot to me"
the second i handed him the quarters he pressed this into my hand and walked away very quickly, calling over his shoulder how it was mine now and how important it was. it’s solid metal and weighs at least five fucking pounds.
im about 100% certain it’s fucking cursed and he could only get rid of it by selling it so if i vanish out of nowhere that would be why.
aria getting cursed ass fuckin satan relics and youve only been in portland for like a month slow down.
"Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people’s business…" can we please talk about the fact that Moony was literally around the corner while the map was insulting Snape. And he 99.99999% knew it was going to happen and he probably laughed himself to sleep that night and whispered a thank you to James, Sirius, and Peter for thinking to put that wonderful little defense mechanism in.
whoever came up with this is probably still patting themselves on the back at this very moment
i went to burger king when they got these and the girl said “would you like some satifries? theyre really satifrying.” and the boy behind her goes “shut up” and she goes “hes not satifried with my puns.”